"The unlicensed pipe fitter known as Joe the Plumber is out with a book this month, just as the last seconds on his 15 minutes are slipping away. I have a question for Joe: Do you want me to fix your leaky toilet?
I didn’t think so. And I don’t want you writing books. Not when too many good novelists remain unpublished. Not when too many extraordinary histories remain unread. Not when too many riveting memoirs are kicked back at authors after 10 years of toil. Not when voices in Iran, North Korea or China struggle to get past a censor’s gate."
I'm an unpublished novelist. I think I'm readable. Time will tell. But I don't care about the Joe The Plumber book. I wouldn't read it, and I don't consider him a writer. Of course, he well might be, but I do doubt it, and not because he's a plumber. A few of the best read people that I ever knew were plumbers. And they were very good plumbers as well.
"Joe, a k a Samuel J. Wurzelbacher, was no good as a citizen, having failed to pay his full share of taxes, no good as a plumber, not being fully credentialed, and not even any good as a faux American icon. Who could forget poor John McCain at his most befuddled, calling out for his working-class surrogate on a day when Joe stiffed him.With a résumé full of failure, he now thinks he can join the profession of Mark Twain, George Orwell and Joan Didion. "
Nobody does. I still can't believe that a few people thought him an icon because he was delinquent in his taxes, as if Barry Goldwater and Milton Friedman and Friedrich Hayek recommended breaking the law. Apparently these people don't know anything about these writers.
"Next up may be Sarah Palin, who is said to be worth nearly $7 million if she can place her thoughts between covers. Publishers: with all the grim news of layoffs and staff cuts at the venerable houses of American letters, can we set some ground rules for these hard times? Anyone who abuses the English language on such a regular basis should not be paid to put words in print.
Here’s Palin’s response, after Matt Lauer asked her when she knew the election was lost:
“I had great faith that, you know, perhaps when that voter entered that voting booth and closed that curtain that what would kick in for them was, perhaps, a bold step that would have to be taken in casting a vote for us, but having to put a lot of faith in that commitment we tried to articulate that we were the true change agent that would progress this nation.”
I have no idea what she said in that thicket of words."She cannot effectively communicate. Period. I scanned part of her debate responses, and showed that it was blather. Nothing more. However, that doesn't mean that she can't be an effective politician.
"Most of the writers I know work every day, in obscurity and close to poverty, trying to say one thing well and true. Day in, day out, they labor to find their voice, to learn their trade, to understand nuance and pace. And then, facing a sea of rejections, they hear about something like Barbara Bush’s dog getting a book deal."
He must know me somehow.
"Writing is hard, even for the best wordsmiths. Ernest Hemingway said the most frightening thing he ever encountered was “a blank sheet of paper.” And Winston Churchill called the act of writing a book “a horrible, exhaustive struggle, like a long bout of painful illness.”
I love writing.
"When I heard J.T.P. had a book, I thought of that Chris Farley skit from “Saturday Night Live.” He’s a motivational counselor, trying to keep some slacker youths from living in a van down by the river, just like him. One kid tells him he wants to write.
“La-di-frickin’-da!” Farley says. “We got ourselves a writer here!”
If Joe really wants to write, he should keep his day job and spend his evenings reading Rick Reilly’s sports columns, Peggy Noonan’s speeches, or Jess Walter’s fiction. He should open Dostoevsky or Norman Maclean — for osmosis, if nothing else. He should study Frank McCourt on teaching or Annie Dillard on writing. "We have different heroes.
"The idea that someone who stumbled into a sound bite can be published, and charge $24.95 for said words, makes so many real writers think the world is unfair.
Our next president is a writer, which may do something to elevate standards in the book industry. The last time a true writer occupied the White House was a hundred years ago, with Teddy Roosevelt, who wrote 13 books before his 40th birthday.
Barack Obama’s first book, the memoir of a mixed-race man, is terrific. Outside of a few speeches, he will probably not write anything memorable until he’s out of office, but I look forward to that presidential memoir.
For the others — you friends of celebrities penning cookbooks, you train wrecks just out of rehab, you politicians with an agent but no talent — stop soaking up precious advance money.
I know: publishers say they print garbage so that real literature, which seldom makes any money, can find its way into print. True, to a point. But some of them print garbage so they can buy more garbage.
There was a time when I wanted to be like Sting, the singer, belting out, “Roxanne ...” I guess that’s why we have karaoke, for fantasy night. If only there was such a thing for failed plumbers, politicians or celebrities who think they can write. "I don't care about any of this. I do consider myself to be a writer, since I've written two novels and about 70 pages of a third. I also consider myself a blogger, since I do write something on most posts. But there are people who believe that, in order to be a writer or a blogger, you need to be paid. I do not.
I've no idea if people will ever buy or read my novels, or, other than a few friends I've made through this blog, if anybody reads this blog or what they think of it. But I write because I love writing. I especially love creating characters, and seeing where they lead me. On this blog, I love examining arguments and writing styles and thinking issues and ideas through, and it helps me to write these impressions out. That's why I do it.
In other words, I don't spend any time worrying about Joe The Plumber and his book. Maybe publishing this book will impel him to begin writing, which I think that anyone who is interested in it should try. If people buy it, that's their business. I can think of better books to read, but it's not my job to tell people how to amuse and entertain themselves. Nor can you force people to enjoy learning and studying and good and reciprocal discussion. So goodbye to Joe The Plumber, until you actually write a book or blog that I can spare the time on. Until then, I bid you farewell.
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