"The following text is of remarks by President Bush on Financial Markets and the World Economy: "

Felix Salmon covered George Bush's speech today. He was right. It's important to document our decisions, however foolish. I didn't vote for him, and, in fact, wasted two votes against him, which is why I'm now a Democrat. But he's not a Medusa, so we've no real reason to look away and ignore the consequences of our actions:

"The leaders attending this weekend’s meeting agree on a clear purpose – to address the current crisis, and lay the foundation for reforms that will help prevent a similar crisis in the future. We also agree that this undertaking is too large to be accomplished in a single discussion. So this summit will be the first in a series of meetings. "

Which will then lead to a series of discussions. Which will then lead to a series of proposals.

"This massive inflow of foreign capital - combined with low interest rates - produced a period of easy credit, especially in the housing market. Flush with cash, many lenders issued mortgages to borrowers who could not afford them. Financial institutions then purchased these loans, packaged them together, and converted them into complex securities designed to yield large returns. These securities were then purchased by investors and financial institutions in the United States, Europe, and elsewhere - often with little analysis of their true underlying value. "

Proposal 1) No more massive inflows of foreign capital: Keep them unmassive.
Proposal 2) No easy credit: Hard credit only.
Proposal 3) No one can be flush with cash. Cash will be confiscated until the person is no longer flush with it.
Proposal 4) No complex securities: Large type, with simple and short declarative sentences.
Proposal 5) No yielding of large returns: Yield signs will be posted. Please follow them.
Proposal 6) No little analysis of true underlying value: Only little analysis of false underlying value is now permitted.

"As home values dropped, many borrowers defaulted on their mortgages, and institutions holding securities backed by those mortgages suffered serious losses. Because of outdated regulatory structures and poor risk management practices, many financial institutions in America and Europe were too highly leveraged. When capital ran short, many faced severe financial jeopardy. This led to high-profile failures of financial institutions in America and Europe, lending contractions, and widespread anxiety - all of which contributed to sharp declines in global stock markets. "

Causes:
1) Poor regulation ( under my leadership )
2) Poor risk taking ( OK )
3) Not enough capital ( OK )

"These developments have placed a heavy burden on hardworking people around the world. Stock market drops have eroded the value of retirement accounts and pension funds. The tightening of credit has made it harder for families to borrow money for cars, homes, and education. Businesses have found it harder to get loans to expand their operations and create jobs. Many nations have suffered job losses, and have serious concerns about the worsening economy. And some developing countries have been hit hard, as nervous investors withdrew their capital. "

Do tell.

"Faced with the prospect of a global financial meltdown, nations have responded with bold measures, and at Saturday's summit, we will review the effectiveness of our actions. "

We'll discover that we're doing a damn fine job.

"Here in the United States, we have taken unprecedented steps to boost liquidity, recapitalize financial institutions, guarantee most new debt issued by insured banks, and prevent the disorderly collapse of large, interconnected enterprises."

We're scared and clueless, so we're taking the Kitchen Sink Approach. That's its technical name.

"In addition, nations around the world have also taken unprecedented joint measures. "

The same with everybody else.

"This crisis did not develop overnight, and it will not be solved overnight."

But the earth is only 5,000 years old.

" But our actions are having an impact."

But not on the environment.

"Credit markets are beginning to thaw. "

They were housed in the polar icecaps. That explains that.

"And a measure of stability is returning to financial systems around the world."

As measured by an Electron Microscope.

"It will require more time for these improvements to fully take hold, and there will be more difficult days ahead. "

Luckily for me, I'll be on my ranch clearing brush.

"One vital principle of reform is that our nations must make our financial markets more transparent. For example, we should consider improving accounting rules for securities, so that investors around the world can understand the true value of the assets they purchase."

The current system of not knowing the worth of assets isn't working. Who knew?

"Second, we need to ensure that markets, firms, and financial products are properly regulated."

Can anyone on earth define "properly", where it doesn't mean "nothing specific"?

"Third, we must enhance the integrity of our financial markets. For example, authorities in every nation should take a fresh look at the rules governing market manipulation and fraud, and ensure that investors are properly protected."

Does that include us?

"For example, leading nations should better coordinate national laws and regulations. We should also reform international financial institutions such as the IMF and the World Bank, which are based largely on the economic order of 1944. "

That's a long time ago.

"They should consider extending greater voting power to dynamic developing nations – particularly as they increase their contributions to these institutions."

But not non-dynamic nations. Dynamic= puts in a lot of money.

"more transparent, accountable, and effective."

Do these three adjectives apply to everything?

"And the World Bank should ensure its development programs reflect the priorities of the people they are designed to serve and yield measurable results. "

Fair and measurable. Any objections? Also decent, honest, good, kindhearted...

"All these steps require decisive actions from governments around the world. "

Do you hear me? Get off your asses!

"At the same time, we must recognize that government intervention is not a cure-all. "

That would be Brandy.

"For example, some blame the crisis on insufficient regulation of the American mortgage market. But many European countries had much more extensive regulations and still experienced problems almost identical to our own. "

I thought that you just did. Remember "properly"?

"History has shown that the greater threat to economic prosperity is not too little government involvement in the market - but too much. We saw this in the case of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. "

Because of too much government, they couldn't couple, producing children and wealth. Each died lonely, poor, and childless government employees. Now do you see true destructive nature of sexual harassment laws?

"Because these firms were chartered by Congress, many believed they were backed by the full faith and credit of the United States government. "

Memo to President Bush: They were so backed. Actions speak louder than words.

"Investors put huge amounts of money in Fannie and Freddie, which they used to build up irresponsibly large portfolios of mortgage-backed securities."

Far too heavy to carry. I'm banning them.

"And it took a taxpayer-funded rescue to keep Fannie and Freddie from collapsing in a way that would have devastated the global financial system. There is a clear lesson: Our aim should not be more government - it should be smarter government. "

Which is why I'm leaving.

"And the surest path to that growth is free markets and free people. "

And Happy Hours, and Girl's Nights.

"In the wake of the financial crisis, voices from the left and right are equating the free enterprise system with greed, exploitation, and failure. "

Fortunately, none of them wield any kind of power. Let them go on audibly equating.

"But the crisis was not a failure of the free market system. And the answer is not to try to reinvent that system. "

We're busy working on the wheel.

"Like any other system designed by man, capitalism is not perfect."

Fortunately, the GOP was designed by God, and is perfect.

"Meanwhile, nations that have pursued other models have experienced devastating results. Soviet communism starved millions, bankrupted an empire, and collapsed as decisively as the Berlin Wall. Cuba, once known for its vast fields of cane, is now forced to ration sugar. And while Iran sits atop giant oil reserves, its people cannot put enough gasoline in their cars. "

Is anyone claiming we should be Cuba or the U.S.S.R.? What's this all about?

"The triumph of free market capitalism has been proven across time, geography, culture, and faith. And it would a terrible mistake to allow a few months of crisis to undermine 60 years of success. "

Who's the audience here?

"Stories like these show why it is so important to keep markets open to trade and investment. This openness is especially urgent during times of economic strain. Shortly after the stock market crash of 1929, Congress passed the Smoot-Hawley tariff – a protectionist measure designed to wall off America’s economy from global competition. The result was not economic security. It was economic ruin. Leaders around the world must keep this example in mind, and reject the temptation of isolationism. "

Is anyone suggesting high tariffs?

"The world will see the resilience of America once again. We will work with our partners to correct the problems in the global financial system. We will rebuild our economic strength. And we will continue to lead the world toward prosperity and peace."

Or not. What do you expect me say? Does anyone feel reassured when I speak?

You won't have George Bush to...